Welcome to the Chubby Chatterbox Newsletter, where I’ll be posting favorites from the Chubby Chatterbox archives. In addition, my complete thriller Return of the Mary Celeste will soon be serialized here for those who have asked for something beyond a regular post.

My novel is based on a true event, arguably the greatest maritime mystery of all time. In 1872 the crew and passengers of Boston brigantine Mary Celeste abandoned their seaworthy ship and its valuable cargo, vanishing in the middle of the Atlantic. Speculation over their fate has never abated. History records that after the Mary Celeste tragedy no one from that fateful voyage was ever seen again. History is about to be rewritten…

Return of the Mary Celeste

Prologue

Tragedy struck the brigantine Mary Celeste on the morning of November 25, 1872. The hourly log was later recovered from the deserted vessel; At 8 a.m. the last notation was made. By 9 a.m. no one remained aboard to chalk the next entry.

Something had terrified Captain Benjamin Briggs and his crew, prompting the seasoned skipper to make a decision certain to affect not only himself, his ship and crew, but his family as well—his wife and two year old daughter were aboard Mary Celeste. Much ink has been spilled in fanciful and scientific attempts to explain the calamity that engulfed this perfectly seaworthy ship, yet all that is known for certain is this: in a matter of minutes Captain Briggs became convinced that the only way to save their lives was by ordering everyone into a hastily launched lifeboat. By giving the order to abandon ship, he also launched the greatest of all maritime mysteries.

On December 5, 1872, a month after leaving New York Harbor, Mary Celeste was found drifting on a calm and empty sea. The ship was in fine condition, perfectly intact with valuable cargo safely stored in her hold, but the crew and passengers had vanished. None were ever seen again.

Until now….

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Pee: Standing or Sitting

January 30, 2013

Several years ago Mrs. Chatterbox told me about a coworker (Glenda) who insisted her husband and four boys pee sitting down; standing in front of the toilet was forbidden. I commented that this wasn’t natural and those boys would probably grow up to have psychological problems. I might have referred to the husband as a wuss for putting up with such an aberration. After all, males were designed to urinate standing up. It’s hard to imagine early settlers crossing the continent in Conestoga wagons, fighting off hostiles, looking for water and a place to graze their oxen while looking for a nice place to sit and do a tinkle.

    

It might come as no surprise that Mrs. Chatterbox thought Glenda’s sitting-while-peeing rule marvelous.

    

“You think it appropriate to teach boys to pee like girls?” I asked.

    

She ignored the indignation in my voice. “Now that CJ is grown and gone I only have you to clean up after in the bathroom, and let me tell you it gets messy around the toilet. I can’t imagine cleaning up after four boys and a husband. In fact, why don’t you consider sitting down when you pee?”

    

“Are you nuts?” I asked. “If God had wanted me to pee sitting down He would have given me a vagina.”

    

“Maybe this conversation is God’s way of telling you to help out around the house more instead of leaving it to your drudge of a wife to do everything.”

    

“Admit it; you’re exaggerating!”

    

She admitted nothing. “You’ve peed standing up for the forty years we’ve been together. I really think the bathroom would stay cleaner if you did your business sitting down.”

    

“We’re only talking about a few errant drops,” I said. “You act as if I’m spraying the walls with a fire hose.”

    

She smirked. “I’ve never seen anything in the bathroom even faintly resembling a fire hose.”

    

Very funny, but this was a serious issue and my manhood was at stake. I refused to comply with this affront to my manhood, but I knew my spouse; I needed a bargaining tool. “In exchange for standing while I pee, I’ll clean the toilet from now on.”

    

With wifely magic a bucket of suds and a scrub brush materialized in her hand. She handed it over and left.

    

So there was a little residual splashing around the toilet. No problemo. I dropped to my knees and pulled the scrub brush from the bucket. Gawd almighty! Dried pee was everywhere. Surely our toilet was defective; there must have been a leak in it because my aim couldn’t possibly have been that bad. I checked the toilet’s fittings to see if they were tight, flushed a few times and concluded that everything was in proper working order.

    

I scrubbed the linoleum and the toilet, inside and out, for forty-five minutes, lugubrious work. And I couldn’t even complain because Mrs. Chatterbox had performed this chore for years with barely a complaint.

    

When finished I rinsed out the bucket and put away the cleaning supplies. The exertion made me thirsty and I grabbed a coke from the fridge. Before long came the call of nature. I studied the immaculate toilet I’d scrubbed until my hands were red. I really needed to go, but did I dare? Cleaning the toilet was my responsibility now and I didn’t want to risk canceling out my hard work. I figured no one would be the wiser if I sat to pee—just this once. But it became more than once. I’ve been peeing sitting down for the past five years.

    

Parents, feel free to train your sons to urinate sitting down. Just be sure that, before the drive home, they pee at the therapist’s office where you’ll undoubtedly be spending time.

 

Submitted to my friends at Dude Write.

     

    



Comments

42 Comments
Bwahahahahahahaha. This has been a problem ever since the first toilet. Hubby better sit down in the boat head. I'm not going in there after him and their is pee splattered all over the place. It's too small in there. At home I don't care, but on the boat I do. It's a mess and then some. I don't care. I'm not cleaning it. Ever. Have a terrific day. :)
By: Comedy Plus on January 30, 2013
when my two boys got old enough their home duties included cleaning the two bathrooms....need I say more? I don't know if that meant therapy time later, all I know is that I didn't have to clean....later on when they were teenagers I threw my hands up at the conditions of their rooms- choosing my battles I told them to either clean up their rooms or shut the door. Worked for me. Great story Stephen- as usual I put down my coffee while reading- didn't need another mess to clean up! Snicker...
By: Kathe W. on January 30, 2013
This question has plagued mankind for ages--I believe it started with keeping the cave clean!!
By: fishducky on January 30, 2013
The only time I peed sitting down was after I had gall bladder surgery. I tried to pee standing up and nearly passed out. Otherwise the only reason I see need to is if both #1 and #2 are coming at the same time.
By: PT Dilloway on January 30, 2013
I would sit to pee, but some idiot keeps forgetting to put the seat down and In the middle of the night I fall in.
By: Cranky Old Man on January 30, 2013
There is no shame in sitting, in fact I think it's only fitting that we sit. I do my best thinking while sitting. Plus there is the added bonus of 'reading time'. Besides, as one gets older... the plumbing does show signs wear and tear. The gaskets and whatnot aren't as leak proof as they once were.
By: Daniel LaFrance on January 30, 2013
This was hilarious! I really like your wife's way of thinking...
By: Shelly on January 30, 2013
Quite the serious subject here this morning.... Actually, don't all boys get potty trained sitting down. Yes, a 18 month old doesn't start standing up. He sits on his little potty with a splash guard. Then by 5ish or so they are spraying all over the place because they are in a hurry to get back to watch Mike the Knight. I think the real challenge to train sons is when they are young. Aim is everything!!!! My husband does stand...he also is responsible for his own cleaning of his bathroom. I'm not a zealot about it but we have a lot of bathrooms in our house. I clean 4 of them he can clean the one that he thinks of as "his" bathroom". Same goes for "his shower". Frankly as long as I have 2 grandssons here regularly.... there is going to be a lot of splash that needs wiped up...I can live with that.
By: Cheryl P. on January 30, 2013
Why is we only try to be marksmen when we are throwing or firing something.........................?
By: John on January 30, 2013
I had to use a friend's facilities once and saw where his wife had put up a little sign on the wall, right where a man would see it when he peed. It said, "My aim is to keep this bathroom clean. Your aim will help." I'll admit to running out into the backyard during a quick 30 second time out during the game and peeing there. The thing to watch out for is to not pee in the same place repeatedly so as not to kill the grass. ;) S
By: scott park on January 30, 2013
I laughed at your post AND Cranky Old Man's comment - very funny :) I must be blessed because my husband is very neat (I think he wipes up after himself).
By: The Bug on January 30, 2013
That's funny! I stand, it's been a very rare occasion when I don't. Usually in the morning, I stand there with my eyes closed and leaning on the towel rack, but I stand. I got at least 10 years before my "bathroom cleaners" move out. I'll continue to stand, for now.
By: Jeff Laws on January 30, 2013
LOLOL. I've scrubbed my share of toilets (and continue to do so). Does it help to know that urine is one of the most sterile fluids there is? Nothing to be afraid of, if you just stay on top of it. But in case you don't, a good clean up is always renews incentive for me to take better aim (which can be challenging for us fat guys)!
By: Michael Offutt on January 30, 2013
I have been in peoples bathrooms that smell like pee and you know it isn't the woman making it smell. I too knew a woman that made her Husband sit down to pee. I would never go that far, but I did tell my Hubs.... if people come in and smell pee in the bathroom, they will know it was him. He know takes better aim. http://arewethereyettravelblog.blogspot.com/
By: Are We There Yet!! on January 30, 2013
My husband pees sitting down often. He is also the one who cleans the toilet. The two are most definitely related. Great post!
By: Kenja on January 30, 2013
I can't imagine a woman that would tell her husband that he HAD to pee sitting down. Seriously? And that her husband actually listened! But I do agree with your wife that if a man is the one splashing pee around the toilet, he is the one that should have to clean it. And if you decided on your own to pee sitting down, there is no shame in that :)
By: Kianwi on January 30, 2013
I became minster in a church with a huge parsonage. I was large enough that every member of the house had their own bathroom. We were all responsible to clean up after our own messes. I quickly learned that if I didn't occasionally check in on the kids' bathrooms our home would get condemned.
By: Brett Minor - Transformed Nonconformist on January 30, 2013
I've heard that in other cultures it is quite common for men to sit down to pee. Lots of women HOVER... :-)
By: Pixel Peeper on January 30, 2013
I used to accuse my oldest son of swinging his little peabody around like a windmill, no hands, while squealing "WHEEEEE" and looking everywhere but the toilet. Too bad there was no Maxwell, the Geico pig, back then for the sound effects.
By: Val on January 30, 2013
oh stars above......I haven't laughed this loud in quite awhile. Scared the dog and cats even.....tee hee. Sweet Man was coerced several years ago to join the squatters here at Casa de Cuckoo for much the same reason. Our grandson who resides with us, much prefers to sit than stand and finds it difficult at school, to urinate in front of other boys so he goes into the stall and bless his heart, tells them he has a very "tricky stomache". You, sir, are hilarious. And so is the Mrs.
By: Oma Linda on January 30, 2013
A friend of my mothers taught her sons that if it is a toilet, you sit. If it is a urinal, you stand. It's that simple -- it isn't the person's equipment, it's the fixture that rules.
By: mimi on January 31, 2013
I will consider this....with 6 males living in my house, I will consider this.
By: momto8blog on January 31, 2013
This made me laugh out loud. And I'm very proud of you. I at times sit down (especially since I'm the one who usually cleans the bathrooms). But I had friends who actually put a urinal in their bathroom, which I loved. Then again, I did notice pee spots all over their marble floor. I do find there's much less splatter when I simply drop my own hose directly into the water instead of standing several feet back. Sadly, it's not at all sanitary.
By: Mitchell is Moving on January 31, 2013
Ha.. good for you. As mom to two sons, I know all too well that spillage to which your refer. I was the one who actively toilet trained my sons and as young uns, they peed sitting down. It became apparent to me when they decided they'd rather stand. A very funny post, CC. Thanks for that.
By: Hilary on January 31, 2013
Funny, five years huh? Mrs. Chatterbox is ALWAYS right.
By: Robyn Engel on January 31, 2013
How come we've never discussed this subject over lunch? We've talked about a lot of other private topics like toe jam and aversion to smelly cheese, haven't we? Oh. That was with my son, the one with the bathroom one's shoes stuck to. I'm sending this post to him (and to his wife.) JO
By: Jo Barney on January 31, 2013
One of the most surprising things the Europeans found when they came to the New World for the first time was that not only did men pee sitting down but women peed standing up. Maybe you better not mention that to the Mrs. (joke) As usual, you've written an amusing blog.
By: Madeleine McLaughlin on January 31, 2013
I frankly think women are jealous. They can't pee standing up, they can't write their name in the snow, and they can't pee against a tree in the woods. On the other hand, cleaning the toilet is kinda gross. And who likes little drops on your trousers when you shake a little TOO vigorously? That said, as I've eased into my middle age, I most certainly pee sitting down when I get up in the morning. I'm just so damn tired. And no one will see. Except the dog.
By: Al Penwasser on January 31, 2013
What the Europeans also found when they came to the New World was a lot of hearts getting ripped out. Then again, the Europeans rarely bathed and smelled like goats. So, it's not like they had the high road.
By: Al Penwasser on January 31, 2013
to add to the confusion there is a product on the market that allows women to pee standing up
By: dont feed the pixies on February 1, 2013
I usually pee sitting down (I mostly just wear PJs around the house, so that makes it easy) unless I'm peeing in the half-bath off the garage in which case, I just piss in the lavatory. Hell, Peggy doesn't go there, so it's really my bathroom.
By: Snowbrush on February 2, 2013
This post made me giggle. It is a conflict that has arisen many times in our divided household (2 men, 2women). When Mrs Jones moans about splashes on the floor I blame my son!
By: Bryan Jones on February 5, 2013
Very funny, Stephen..you know, for a girl...
By: WilyGuy on February 8, 2013
Ha, so a bit of cleaning work was enough to make you cave in? Well played, Mrs. Chatterbox, well played! On a side note, I switch it up and pee sitting down sometimes too...easier than trying to aim on those lazy mornings!
By: Daniel Nest on February 10, 2013
mrs. chatterbox was pretty slick getting you to both cvlean and sit down to pee. hehehehehe
By: lime on February 10, 2013
This is classic. The Girlfriend has been trying for years to convince me to "let go of my manhood," but I refuse. Apparently her ex-husband would pee sitting down (and I suspect that she had something to do with that). She says it didn't mess with his manhood at all... but he's a big sissy.
By: The Six-Fingered Monkey on February 11, 2013
We have 2 bathrooms. One that is considered to be my wife's. That one I take extra care to have the best aim that I possibly can, and I have been know on occasion to have a sit down while I visit there. My bathroom however, it's fair game and I take pride in my ability to write my name in the toilet bowl water. And yes, I do clean up any errant splashes.
By: Ken on February 11, 2013
All handsome and well bred men that I know pee sitting down. Only cave me stand when they pee. Of course, you have it over us women in that in public restrooms you CAN stand and pee and it is very hard for us to do thus.
By: Tabors on February 13, 2013
I'm going to have to thank Glynis for directing me to your blog. Thanks for the laugh :) My husband and I are expecting our first baby (a boy!) on Monday (c section). I'll have to share this post with him.
By: Aleta on February 16, 2013
Fun read and congrats on your Post of the Week shout out by Hilary! Hugs SueAnn
By: SueAnn Lommler on February 20, 2013
LOL! Love this post. Congrats on winning POTW award!!!
By: wendy on February 21, 2013
Solution for those who want to please their wives and still pee standing up: pee in the sink, run water afterwards, and she'll never know the difference. Of course, she'll wonder why she hasn't heard the toilet flush anytime during the past couple of days, but I'm sure an inventive sort such as yourself can cover that.
By: Suldog on February 21, 2013

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